Hubby and Wifey's Blog

I'm not feeling well since December 3, 2007. I know that I've moved on but why ohh why that I'm feeling different now. I'm afraid to love again that's what I am thinking and feel right now. I don't know where this feeling came from but I already accept my disaster past. Before, when I'm broken hearted I easily recover and get a new relationship. But now I'm still in pain.... Sometimes I feel happy because of what happened but now I feel down and cannot recover. Maybe I seriously and deeply martyr to my pasts that even the laundry, dishes, and cleaning I’m the one who doing it. I separated my life to the outer world just to prove my sincerity and truthfulness to my love but all of that was a mess. I remember when we go to mall we always go to baby shop. We look for a baby clothes, baby cribs and other baby things, after that we go to wedding ring shop. Choosing and looking for a nice weeding ring for our weeding (after 3 years). After that we go to home appliances to see what is best set or any idea in living area for our future house (after 3 years). All of that was a very unforgettable memory that we've been doing. We were planning to get married after 3 years. I was preparing to provide a house, car and enough money for our future life. All of our plans made us so perfect that day.. I never felt that kind of happiness in my life... I will be getting married to my one and only girl who became my life, soul and everything. I dedicated my board exam to her and to our future for passing it. We dream and plan so very nice but all of a sudden that dreams came to an end. I'm too perfect to be her husband and I'm so damn prepared for that. She's not prepared on my plans yet, so she decided to declare a cool off for 3 years. My heart was torn into pieces when she told me this cool off word. Her decision was final on 3 years cool off. Until I decided to give up and return all the things that she given me. Some of my things were left on her. I don't want to return to her house coz I will just hurt myself. Now, almost 1 month past and still I don't know what's happening to me. I thought that I've already moved on but I was wrong because my mind and soul was still on her. But i couldn't do anything to revive it. What done must be done and that's the final decision to end it. I feel lonely and cold... I'm afraid to love again, I have phobia on loving. I just want to be complicated 50% single and 50% in a relationship but I don't have any relationship right now. My fear is to love again. I'm satisfied (I think) on my status. I'm just planning for my future to be rich and rich and reach what I can ever reach. I'm now a professional, a PRC board passer. I like to use this license and to work and work. I'm really afraid to love again. I know that sometimes I fell in love or love at first sight but there's something like a scary feeling in my heart. I know that I must love someone but it comes over and over and over again that I'm afraid to love, to be destroyed again. I just pray that Lord please help me choose the right way. I’m better and very good in peer counseling’s to the one that had been broken hearted. I my self cant recover on my love problems. I still don't know what to do at my self. Actually I really want to have a son. I want to have a child but I'm afraid to love so that child will be just a dream. I am thinking that after 3 years I'll just adopt a baby. I just what to be alone but sometimes I want some companion, I want a companion that understands me, a companion nothing more and nothing less. I just don't want to hurt my self again and again and again. That’s what I am thinking right now i just want to be like this forever a sad, moody person.